We all need a little guidance now and then, a little advice on how to navigate the various obstacles, challenges, and hurdles life throws at us. Therapy and mentorship are helpful, but admittedly expensive. We’ve got you covered with an affordable alternative, and a higher caliber of advice than any terrestrial source can offer. We’ve harnessed the intelligence and savvy of advanced alien civilizations, and compressed it into a mysterious orb. The orb is shaped like an alien head, for aesthetic reasons (the aliens we are collaborating with take on a bodily form that cannot be visually assimilated and comprehended by human eyes, so we just went with the standard Area 51 model, for simplicity’s sake).
Grasp the alien head orb in your hands and make an inquiry, focusing your energy on the orb’s big oblong eyes, and give it a hearty shake or two. Turn the head upside down and gaze into the gaping void in its neck; your answer will appear before you! You may be told “no” or “certainly” or “perhaps” or “without a doubt.” Occasionally the answer may seem incongruous with the query, but its better not to question the alien’s authority; they’re a little touchy and we don’t want to incur their wrath or invite an invasion. You’ll never have to think for yourself ever again with our fabulous Ask the Alien Magic 8 Ball!